life

Having to Go Back to Work

/ Katie / Leave a comment

Before I had my daughter, I knew I would be going back to work after she was born. After all, the bills still have to be paid and I have a $50,000+ degree just sort of sitting around doing nothing. I figured I’d spend my maternity leave looking for new jobs – something full-time with benefits, maybe something related to my degree if I could – and I could quit my part-time job and feel like a real adult.

Then, I gave birth and I bonded with this little person that I created.

I fought against the possibility of a C-section, I fought hard to breastfeed even when it was extremely painful and uncomfortable, and I fought a lot of the advice I was given by other parents when I didn’t necessarily agree with it. I have fought every step of the way to make things work for us and I’m now fighting against the prospect of needing to go back to work. What if I can’t produce enough milk to set aside for her while I’m there? What if my milk dries up completely? What if she starts to prefer someone else over me? What if she forgets me altogether? What if she starts crawling or talking or walking and I miss it because I’m at work? What if something bad happens while I’m not here? What if she needs me?

I knew months ago that this day would come, but back then, I didn’t realize how attached I was going to feel at the end of my maternity leave and now all I want to do is stay here and be a mom. If you had told me six months ago that I’d want to be a stay-at-home parent, I would have laughed at you. It was never in the cards for me back then. Not only did I need my job to help pay the bills, but I would have never dreamed I’d enjoy sitting at home, taking care of a little one every hour of everyday for the rest of my life. That wasn’t me. I respected women who did it, but I never thought it would be an option for me.

And then this beautiful, perfect little person entered my life and all I want to do is be with her all the time. I want to be here when she needs me. I want to be here for all of her “firsts.” I don’t care about my degree or finding a great-paying job anymore. I haven’t since we brought her home. Motherhood is my calling; too bad the rest of the world doesn’t seem to agree. Bills still have to be paid, food still has to be put on the table, and if I don’t go back to work, we don’t make enough money on one income to make ends meet. I’m still learning to accept the fact that I have to leave my daughter in the hands of a friend while I’m away, a friend that I trust implicitly with the well-being of my daughter, but worries are still there. No one can take care of my baby the way I can, and I would say just about every mother feels this way, and I’m still figuring out how to deal with how I’m feeling.

In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy the rest of the day with my baby girl because tomorrow, after more than two months, I’ll be back at work where I left off, with just a little more on my mind. Wish me luck.

Those Pesky Postpartum Hormones

/ Katie / Leave a comment

I cry about a lot of things. Despite being seven weeks postpartum (already?!), I’m pretty sure my hormones are still constantly fluctuating. A couple of days ago, I cried about poop. My daughter pooped and I cried about it. Did my pregnancy make me crazy?

Let’s be honest: it really wasn’t just about poop. I didn’t realize that until much later in the evening, but there were a lot of underlying reasons for why I was so emotional at the time. The most obvious is that I was exhausted and Boo had been cranky for the majority of the day. Add in the fact that she’d already pooped on me once earlier – and there had been vomit two other times – and you have one cranky mama. Things just weren’t going my way.

Then, there’s the fact that I’m going back to work soon – in just a week, actually. I’m not happy about it. I’m sure it’s some form of separation anxiety I’m suffering from, seeing as my daughter hasn’t left my sight since she was born. She’s now seven weeks and two days old and she has literally been with me every second of everyday, and now I’m suddenly expected to hand her off to someone else for eight or more hours a day while I return to work. The thought actually makes me sick to my stomach and puts me in tears at least once a day. It’s silly, because I know I can’t be with her all the time, but she’s not even two months old yet and I feel sort of like I’m about to abandon her. We’re exclusively breastfeeding, and that’s making it harder, too; I fought so hard to breastfeed, what if I can’t produce enough or my supply suddenly drops because I’m trying to pump, and I have to switch to formula? It would break my heart.

I’m desperately trying to find a way to allow myself to stay at home. My mom worked long hours at her job when I was a baby and, sometimes, I wonder just how much she missed out on, since she wasn’t at home with me very often. (Not that she had much of a choice, being a single mother who needed some sort of income.) I don’t want to miss a single moment with my child, but who knows if her father will be able to make enough in the near future to support the three of us, which would allow me to stay at home with her. I’m crossing my fingers, but I’m not going to hold my breath.

For now, I’ll just enjoy the time I do have with her and try not to get too emotional when I leave her for the first time with someone else.

Beginning My Journey Into Motherhood

/ Katie / Leave a comment

I’m 22 years old. I have a college degree, I’ve been in a steady relationship for nearly four and a half years, I’ve been steadily employed since I was 16, I pay my own rent, I take care of myself the best I can, but I still have a lot of growing up to do.

I’m also about to become a mother.

As I write this, it’s late on January 9, 2013, and my due date is nine days away. I have been preparing for this for the last forty weeks (give or take). I have been telling everyone how excited I am to have this child, despite the fact that this pregnancy was not planned, and how ready I am to meet her.

You want to know the truth? I’m absolutely terrified. I’m a first-time mom, I have no experience with newborns, I have no idea what to expect. I’m so ready to be done being pregnant, but my brain is telling me, “You’re going to be a mom? Why the hell would you want to do that?” I can barely take care of myself, and the thought that I’ll have to take care of another human being, to be responsible for raising that human being, to be responsible for teaching her right from wrong, to have to worry about someone other than myself because every single one of my choices could affect her – that’s a scary thing. Absolutely terrifying. And the thought that I’ll no longer be able to just do what I want – like going on last-minute trips to the bar for drinks, late-night runs to the grocery store just because, having friends stop by unannounced, staying up until five in the morning because I have nothing better to do – is actually a little bit saddening. In a single moment, my entire life is going to change, and there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it at this point.

The point of this blog is to give me an outlet to talk about my experiences as a new mother, and as a young woman just trying to grow up. I will make mistakes, but I vow to learn from them, and maybe if someone stumbles upon this, they could learn a thing or two as well.

This is the beginning of the rest of my life.