I cry about a lot of things. Despite being seven weeks postpartum (already?!), I’m pretty sure my hormones are still constantly fluctuating. A couple of days ago, I cried about poop. My daughter pooped and I cried about it. Did my pregnancy make me crazy?
Let’s be honest: it really wasn’t just about poop. I didn’t realize that until much later in the evening, but there were a lot of underlying reasons for why I was so emotional at the time. The most obvious is that I was exhausted and R had been cranky for the majority of the day. Add in the fact that she’d already pooped on me once earlier – and there had been vomit two other times – and you have one cranky mama. Things just weren’t going my way.
Then, there’s the fact that I’m going back to work soon – in just a week, actually. I’m not happy about it. I’m sure it’s some form of separation anxiety I’m suffering from, seeing as my daughter hasn’t left my sight since she was born. She’s now seven weeks and two days old and she has literally been with me every second of everyday, and now I’m suddenly expected to hand her off to someone else for eight or more hours a day while I return to work. The thought actually makes me sick to my stomach and puts me in tears at least once a day. It’s silly, because I know I can’t be with her all the time, but she’s not even two months old yet and I feel sort of like I’m about to abandon her. We’re exclusively breastfeeding, and that’s making it harder, too; I fought so hard to breastfeed, what if I can’t produce enough or my supply suddenly drops because I’m trying to pump, and I have to switch to formula? It would break my heart.
I’m desperately trying to find a way to allow myself to stay at home. My mom worked long hours at her job when I was a baby and, sometimes, I wonder just how much she missed out on, since she wasn’t at home with me very often. (Not that she had much of a choice, being a single mother who needed some sort of income.) I don’t want to miss a single moment with my child, but who knows if her father will be able to make enough in the near future to support the three of us, which would allow me to stay at home with her. I’m crossing my fingers, but I’m not going to hold my breath.
For now, I’ll just enjoy the time I do have with her and try not to get too emotional when I leave her for the first time with someone else.