life

2013: The First Year of Parenthood

/ Katie / 4 Comments

It’s crazy to think that a year ago, I was the size of a whale – and it’s even crazier to think that in just a couple of weeks, my baby girl will be turning a year old. Where the heck did the last year go?

FIRST YEAR 01Here I am, exactly a year ago today, one week from my due date and anxiously waiting to meet my daughter. I was uncomfortable and excited and nervous and tired; I was a giant bundle of nerves, and I had no idea what was in store for me in those following days, weeks, years. I remember when I was a child, all the horror stories I’d heard about the pain of labor, and throughout my teen years, I thought, “That will never be me, I could never put myself through that kind of agony, why do people have children?” And as I got older, that sort of mindset seemed to change, and when I did find myself suddenly pregnant, I remained cautiously optimistic that all those horror stories I’d heard about the pain and the changes my body would go through had been just that: stories. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad after all.

It was, however, even worse than I could have ever imagined. The pain was excruciating, but I survived. (And I owe a great deal of thanks to modern medicine – the epidural was the only thing that kept me going.) It was exciting, though, and at the end of it all, I got to meet my precious bundle of joy. I look back at the photos from her birth now and think about how amazing the female body is; I created a human being, I gave life to this little human being, I brought her into this world. How incredible is that?

My boyfriend swears that there’s this sort of pregnancy amnesia that all women have. They forget about all the bad stuff during labor and remember all the good; I think he’s probably right.

2013 was a great year for us. It had its share of ups and downs, but it was the year that we gave little Boo to the world, and it’s the year that we officially became a family. I gave birth to the love of my life, I quit my job in retail to work from home as a personal assistant, my boyfriend accepted a job making double what he was making at his previous job. Boo survived long car rides, a vacation on the beach, and her first round of holidays – and she got to meet her great-great-grandmother!

This past year has reminded me how incredibly lucky I am to have the life I lead. My New Year’s resolutions this year are simple: to keep myself positive, no matter what happens, and to write more. I’m so very excited to see what 2014 will bring. (And if 2014 happens to bring more sleep… I would be so very, very grateful!)

To My Father

/ Katie / 1 Comment

Dear “Dad,”

(I’m not even sure you deserve that title, but for the sake of this letter, this is how I will refer to you.)

It’s been six years this month since I last attempted to contact you. Six years since I reached out to you in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, you would try to make amends for the last two decades. Six years have passed and I still hold out a little bit of hope that one day, I’m going to log into Facebook and see a message from you admitting all your wrongs and how you want to make things right with me. Six years have passed since I sent you the last message, almost ten years have passed since I last spoke to you over the phone, and eighteen years have passed since you ignored me crying out to you in your brother’s backyard as you coldly walked away from me.

For twenty-three years now, I have been waiting for you to come around. I don’t know why; it’s not as though you’ve ever given any indication that you would magically decide that you’d want to be my father. I know I should be over it, and sometimes I think I am, until I’m suddenly slapped in the face with old feelings and my secret desire to have a father around comes rushing back to me. I guess it’s just really hard to accept that out of the four children you have, I’m the one who got screwed over. It’s not easy knowing that you’ve acknowledged your firstborn son, and that you’re raising a younger son and daughter with your wife, but you can’t bring yourself to acknowledge that you fathered another daughter all those years ago.

While I do have these feelings of being unwanted, I want to make something very clear: I don’t need you. I used to think I did, but I never really have needed you in my life, and I won’t need you in years to come.

It does, however, make me sad to know that you’ve missed out on everything in my life. My first day of school, my first crush, the day I became a Girl Scout, the first time I made the honor roll, the time I got second place in my class’ spelling bee (which taught me never forget how to spell the word “unbelievable”), the day I received a book in which a poem of mine had been published, my first homecoming dance, my first boyfriend, both my proms, my high school graduation, my first heartbreak, meeting the love of my life, my college graduation, and the birth of your granddaughter. You’ve missed out on all of it, moments that you will never be able to see again.

I think that what kills me the most is that my daughter – your granddaughter – will be one year old in just a few weeks, and you’ve never seen her face or heard her laugh or learned a single thing about her. You don’t know what an amazing little girl she is, and she will never get to know the kind of person her grandfather is either. Then again, it’s not like I know anything about you either, other than the things I’ve learned or heard about from other people.

Still, without you, she and I are doing just fine. She has amazing family on both sides; she has a grandfather and a great-grandfather (your own dad) who absolutely adore her. She has great-grandparents and grandparents and great-aunts and great-uncles and aunts and cousins who have all fallen in love with her from birth and I could not have asked for better people to be in her life. Unfortunately, you will likely never get to know what kind of person she’s blossoming into – for that matter, you’ll probably never know me – and it does make me a little bit sad for her. I don’t know how I’m going to explain to her one day why my own father wasn’t around to see her grow up, but I suppose I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

For what it’s worth, it’s never too late. I don’t plan on waiting around for you or reaching out to you again in the hopes that you’ll decide to come around, but the ball is in your court. I don’t know what the future holds, but I do know that a sincere “I’m sorry” would go a long way with me. Maybe one day, we can have a proper, face-to-face conversation and start to get to know each other – or maybe life will just continue on the way it has for the last twenty-three years. It would be nice to clear the air, but I can honestly say that I think I’m doing just fine without you.

Sincerely,
Your Daughter

I’m So Thankful for This Life

/ Katie / Leave a comment

I have the worst baby fever. Having a baby only seemed to fuel it. I have to keep reminding myself that I need to live in the moment, because my daughter’s going to grow up before my eyes; it’s sad to think that in just two months, she’ll be a year old. I can’t believe how quickly this year has gone.

To our families, if you’re reading this, don’t worry; we will not be having anymore children anytime in the near future.

Being a mother has shown me a love I have never experienced before. My daughter is my world, and I’ve never loved someone so deeply, and so completely, as I love her. It’s strange how your world view seems to change when you start a family. Before I got pregnant, all I was concerned about was myself, really. Of course, there were people I cared about, but at the end of the day, it was always about what was good for me. Then, I became a mom, and all I want to do is make sure that I do everything right for her. I don’t care about myself anymore. It’s like a switch got flipped the moment I gave birth and held her in my arms for the first time.

This time of year is about being thankful for what we have. This is not the life I envisioned myself having, but I couldn’t imagine it being any other way. I’m so thankful to have my little family – my boyfriend and my daughter – and to have a job that allows me to stay home with her and still bring in an income. I’m thankful for the support I had during my pregnancy and after. I’m thankful for my mom, my boyfriend’s family, my grandparents, who have all helped me along the way in figuring out what kind of a mom I want to be. I’m thankful for the internet, which has helped me connect with so many wonderful moms whose opinions and friendship I value. I’m thankful for Thanksgiving, when I will get to reunite with all of the people I care about most.

I’m thankful for my life. It’s not always easy, but it’s so worth it.