Regarding My Children’s Privacy

When I started this blog a few years ago, I thought it would just be someplace fun where I could share stories about motherhood, my daughter, and whatever else happened to come to mind. I occasionally posted photos of my child (I only had one up until earlier this year), knowing that my friends and family could come here to see what I was writing.

Then, I started sharing my blog. On Facebook pages, on forums…

And then I came to the realization that many people – nameless, faceless people that I didn’t know – were seeing these posts and seeing my child.

And when it dawned on me that anyone could save these photos and use them for whatever purpose they wished, I decided that I needed to take the photos down.

This isn’t my Facebook page, which is locked down pretty tight. The people who see this blog might be friends or family, but they could be total strangers, too, and I’m no longer comfortable sharing photos of my children here. I don’t allow my children’s faces to be shown on my Instagram page, so why do I allow them to show up on this site?

I’ve kept the photos of myself and my husband; we’re both adults who can decide where our pictures can be posted and who can see them. It feels a little irresponsible to keep pictures of my children up on my blog for the world to see.

I will admit, I’ll miss seeing the photos every time I look at this blog, but it’s better this way.

Bedtime Buddies

We have our crib set up next to the bed with only three sides assembled, so the crib mattress is sort of an extension of our big mattress. This gives E her own space to sleep while still keeping her close enough to keep an eye on her and breastfeed her easily in the middle of the night. It works – and she sleeps like a rock most nights. I get a good three to four hours before she wakes up to feed most

She’s been cranky the last couple of days and has had trouble sleeping. After putting her to bed, I went downstairs to catch up on Game of Thrones. I thought she was sleeping almost too soundly given how she’s been acting the last couple of days. As it turns out, R had gotten out of bed and got on our bed to lay in my spot on the bed, next to where E was laying in the crib.

R is so incredibly jealous of E most of the time, and this warms my heart. I have no doubt that E is sleeping better tonight because R is laying with her. (She always sleeps better when I’m in bed too.)

I love them both so much.

I’m going to finish this episode of Game of Thrones and then head to bed. I’m not quite sure I have the heart to move R back into her room tonight. We’ll see.

The Transition

I’ve heard so many times that the transition from one to two children is the hardest, no matter how many kids you end up with. I think I finally believe those people. Having two kids is like trying to landscape your yard in the middle of a hurricane.

My day goes a little something like this…

E wakes up, then she’s changed and nursed. Sometime during that nursing session, R wakes up and demands breakfast. I ask her to be patient. She throws a tantrum. I set the baby in the crib to change R’s diaper (because she’s still so freaking resistant to potty training) and if I’m lucky, E will fall back to sleep, but usually all three of us head downstairs.

Once we’re downstairs, I put E in the swing and turn it on to distract her while I get R breakfast. By the time she’s got breakfast, E is crying and wants to be picked up. I pick her up and interact with her while R eats, and at some point, R asks for more food, usually after only eating about half of what I’ve given her. I ask her to finish what she has. Another meltdown.

I nurse E again and, if the stars align, she’ll let me put her in her swing so I can go about my day trying to get things done, like dishes, laundry, or whatever else has to be taken care of. My chores are usually interrupted by a toddler who wants my attention, so I spend some time with her, and then E wakes up crying for the boob once more. My day is spent mostly with trying to keep the baby happy, while the toddler throws constant tantrums because she’s still not used to sharing her time with me yet.

It’s hard. It’s both emotionally and physically draining at times. At the end of the day, I’m exhausted. I’m not the mom I want to be, but I’m trying so hard to be a good one to both my girls.

Some days, I feel like I’m trying to tread water with weights tied around my ankles and I’m so close to drowning.

Today was not a good day. R is recovering from an ear infection and E has been abnormally clingy too – maybe it’s a wonder week, maybe it’s a growth spurt, maybe she isn’t feeling great, I don’t know – so both kids needed me. R threw tantrums. E cried more than usual. I could have been more patient and more understanding, but today was hard.

Tomorrow will be better. I have hope that eventually, at some point, parenting two littles will become easier. Until then, I’ll just work to keep my head above water.