life

Losing My Mind

/ Katie / Leave a comment

Even though I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately and haven’t been getting much sleep at all, I find myself awake at two in the morning and I have to be up in six or seven hours to start my day. My brain won’t shut off.

I’m always thinking about dozens of things all at once. I mean, all the time. Is this normal, is this what it’s like being a mom? Because I didn’t sign up for this constant to-do list that I store in my head. It just keeps getting longer and longer and longer. Why can’t there be more hours in the day for me to do the things I need – and want – to do? I have so much to get done in the next couple of months, and I feel like I’m spending too much time working and not enough time with my daughter and every second of the day, I’m being pulled in a million different directions at all times. It’s mentally exhausting.

We’re going on vacation in just under four weeks. Mommy really needs a break from life for a few days – it can’t happen soon enough.

What’s A Social Life?

/ Katie / 1 Comment

When I had a baby, I thought it would be a short time before we could start leaving her with a sitter or a grandparents so that we could go out and have fun once in a while. I figured, my life would change, but it wouldn’t have to change that much, right? We could still keep our friends and make plans once in a while; we’d be parents, but we’d still be us, you know?

In the end, my perfect vision for what life would be like post-pregnancy was way off base. Not only did we sort of lose contact with most of our friends, but I found myself not even wanting to go out. I didn’t want to leave my daughter. It was hard enough when I was forced to go back to work because we needed the money, so, as you can imagine, the idea of leaving her with someone to go have “fun” was kind of a terrifying concept for me.

Over the course of Boo’s seventeen months of life, I haven’t had a single night out. I’ve kind of forgotten what it’s like to have real-life friends to hang out with, but we finally had a chance to hang out with a couple of them yesterday evening at an event in a neighboring city. (It was actually today since I haven’t gone to bed yet, but since it’s after midnight now, I guess it makes more sense to say it was yesterday. It took me about five minutes to decide which term to go with.)

It was so, so, so nice to get out of the apartment for a while and spend time with new people. I had actually forgotten what a social life actually was. Boo had a pretty great time, too, in spite of the fact that she skipped her afternoon nap.

We’ve all been having a pretty good week with the holiday, actually. My fiance’s schedule gave him Monday through Thursday off, so we’ve all been able to spend a considerable amount of time together. It’s been a nice change from the ordinary, since he spends so many hours at work normally. We went swimming on both Tuesday and Wednesday, which was a lot of fun. It was Boo’s first time in a pool and she loved it!

My fiance goes back to work Saturday, sadly; until then, we’re going to cram as much family time in as we can. If we can manage to get ourselves up in the morning, we’ll be heading out to see the Independence Day parade, and in the evening, we’re planning on taking Boo to see a fireworks show. (Not her first show ever, though. We actually took her to see fireworks last weekend as well.) He doesn’t know it yet, but I’m going to try to convince him to finish up season four of “The Walking Dead” with me once Boo is down for the night. I’ve been dying to finish the last two episodes for days!

…get it? “Dying”?

Okay, so the joke wasn’t that funny anyway. I guess that means it’s bedtime.

Happy July 4th, everyone!

One and Done (But Probably Not)

/ Katie / Leave a comment

On days like this, I wonder, do I really want to have more children?

We’re not in any hurry to have another baby, but I never imagined I’d be the mom of an only child. I remember, when Boo was still a newborn, I thought I wanted another one immediately. I’ve always heard that it’s best to give your body at least a year to recover from having a baby, and once Boo turned a year old, I thought I’d want to convince my boyfriend at the time (now, my fiance) that we needed to have another child right away. I wanted my kids close in age. I wanted to give my daughter the thing I always wanted growing up: a sibling that she could be close to as she got older.

Then we hit the year mark, and I realized I didn’t want another baby after all. Not yet anyway. I mean, I did, but not anytime in the near future. I thought we’d revisit the topic again later this year, around our wedding date, but we’re just over three months out from that and really, I can’t imagine having another baby anytime soon. The thought is a little bit terrifying, if I’m being completely honest.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy being a mom, because I do. It’s the hardest job I’ve ever had, but it’s also the most rewarding. I love my daughter more than anything in the world, but the thought of going through that first year again kind of makes me want to cry. Having a newborn is so hard.

Having a toddler is no walk in the park, either. My sleep schedule is all screwed up because after putting R to bed, instead of going to bed myself and attempting to get a nice, long rest, I get back up to have some time to myself or spend time with my fiance. Inevitably, I end up being awake far too late, which was the case last night, and as luck would have it, my daughter likes to wake me up early on those mornings when I haven’t gone to bed early. She also isn’t sleeping through the night yet. I feel like a zombie most days, I’m lucky if I’m able to get through the day without falling asleep – which, lately, isn’t often. The lack of sleep is the worst part about this whole parenting thing, really. I’m just so tired.

Doing this all this over again? I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready for that. The sleepless nights, the breastfeeding struggles, the colic, the tantrums, the complete meltdowns, the battles over everything – would I do it a second time? Well, I could, and I probably will one day, but I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready for that day to come. I suppose it’ll likely happen once I forget how exhausting these first couple years actually are.

And maybe after I’ve caught up on several months’ worth of sleep.

I don’t know how parents of more than one child do it. You all deserve awards for everything you do.